Everytime I update you, mst ada sbb.hahahah well, you know me. I want to rant about A, now my ex. I don't care if he read this or not. I hope not because i don't really want him to know what am I thinking. But, it's ok. If Allah open his heart to read this, I know that Allah has good reasons behind that.
I knew A since Ramadhan dinner 2010. well, he doesn't noticed me i bet. When I first saw him, he's nice but too bad, his appearance was not my type. Then, I saw him again during the camp and we're in the same group. Got to know each other and i was attracted to him but i decided to never pursue him since he's such a good guy and deserve a decent girl, not me. I'm not your typical Malay girl who is shy around guys, no. I have a lot of guy friends and i am very close to them. i also have this tomboyish attitude that make me easily being friendzoned by my guy friends and I like that. Back to A. We helped each other during universities' application processes and i started to like him more. When i was absolutely sad by my bad IB result, i was driven by mad thoughts and confessed to him. Thank God, the feeling was mutual. So, we started this long distance relationship since i'm in Perak and he's in Putrajaya. Text messages and calls became frequent. We occasionally met, either me going to KL to see him or him coming to Perak to see me. He even saw me at work :)
When I got accepted to a university in Sarawak, I was very happy. Honestly, I never thought that we will have any problem because heh, we even started as a long distance couple. So, he helped, encouraged and listened to me all the time. He was a perfect boyfriend. Then, after 9 months in Sarawak, he got into a local university in Selangor, I was very happy for him. He made new friends and he's enjoying his life.
However, I realised that he's changed, a bit. When people on the phone, we can usually sense the other person's mood. When we talked on the phone, i can sense that he was not really in the mood and just did his best to bear with me. I thought i was being stupid and told myself that he's tired. I was angry at myself for thinking that. And then, I was busy for finals and we didn't contact for almost 3 weeks! I was waiting for his calls but he didn't, so i thought better not to disturb him as he was busy with his new life. But then, he was mad at me for not contacting him, not trying to call him for those 3 weeks. I did send messages. He was the one who said that he will not let me call him because a guy is the one supposed to do that. *Sigh* luckily, it was resolved neatly.There was this one girl at that time that he was always tweet with. I was happy because now, he can be friends with girls because he was not really good with girls before. He is a shy guy after all :)
One early morning, at 3 something , I got a message, asking me the possibility to remain friends even if we didn't make it. Allah knows how shocked I was. I couldn't sleep at all. Thinking what i did wrong. Did I say something bad to him? Did I hurt him without me knowing? After few messages for the next 2 days, he asked for a break up because he couldn't bear the distance. He felt like a stranger. Are u kidding me?? I loved u to death. I even wanted to get married to u. Maybe I was not good in expressing myself but hey, I said to you the magic words "i love you". Me, who hates mushiness, told you that i loved u and called u sayang. Yet u felt like s stranger?? I asked him was there ever a girl that gives him everyday's attention that I couldn't. He took freaking 40 minutes to reply no. Why so long? Why do u even need time to think if there was really no girl? And you told me that you will never disappoint me and I'm the girl that you want to grow old with. *Sigh* I was too heartbroken. I thought our bond was stronger than this. I trusted him too much.
A, I was blindly loyal to you. Of course I will forgive you, but not any time sooner. Give me time and when I'm completely forgive you, we'll be friends again. For now, don't expect me to treat you like a close friend because the wound is not yet healed. Time will heal everything. Just know that while we're together, I never thought of other guys as possible spouse, all of them are my brothers. I even bought u a T-shirt and cups for your parents. May Allah bless u and may Allah heal my heart as soon as possible because I want to be able to see you without any hard feeling. In shaa Allah.
Allah knows what's best for all of us :)
Sincerely,
Hamba Allah
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